It's so wierd leaving a place where people have come to really know one another and have come to appreciate their little quirks and to accept them for who they are. Especially in direct exchange, I have realizd the importance of acting the way you feel and of the importance of surrounding yourself with people who are always making you feel good. Although French people might put on a stiff facade, at least they are honest. Americans seem to have this stereotype of French citizens as being rude and cold to people who do not speak their language. I think that perception of them is completely false. When French people come to the US, do we try to speak to them in their language? No, so why should French people speak to English people in their native language when they come?
This might all seem pointless to discuss, but Christmas is a time when people should gather with the people who they love, respect, and cherish the most. There are people back home who I have frequently hung out with and I think they are friends, until being abroad and new, strange situations have made me realize various insecurities I have because of how those specific people have treated me for such a long time. I know this is vague, but I guess I'm saying it because my resolution for the New Year is to be completely open with people. To tell them how I feel rather than simply acting nice, and to avoid the people who make me feel inferior.
I was completely alone in Lille for so long. Alone, independent, and forced to find people who were in similar situations. I got close to people that I may never see again. The night before I took the train to Charleroi, it was snowing and I hugged some of the best friends I will ever have goodbye in a blizzard. It all went by so fast that I don't think I realized the signficant impact that each of those people had on me. I think I established stronger relationships with many of them than I have with my own family members. I know now that the reason is because they have seen me in my most vulnerable, scared, exposed, and isolated conditions. My family members have not seen me in such states because they have formed a circle of physical support. I don't need financial support...I need love. When my purse was taken from me at Oktoberfest, the first thing I thought was, "I just need a hug," and that's what my friends gave me when I returned to Lille. I don't need criticism, I'm already hard enough on myself as it is.
Another thing, I absolutely despise when people tell me "I'm sorry." If a person is sorry for something, they should act, not speak. It's just a really personal thing that bothers me. I guess part of it is that I do not like looking weak. I do have a lot of pride, whether people know it or not, so when I get sick or fall down or get a bad grade and someone tells me, "I'm sorry," I want to scream at the top of my lungs. It is my fault for what happened so why add your negative input to it? Instead, just say, "No worries! Cheer up!" or something of that sort. I also break things a lot, so what? Instead of making fun of me constantly and reminding me that I always break things, when it happens just make a funny comment and leave it be. There is absolutely no need to constantly pick at the parts of people that other people see as "weaknesses." For instance, my clumsiness I view as a strength because I don't buy expensive cameras, ipods, phones, etc. I buy the cheap ones and I'd rather have experiences. I'd rather go on trips and go hiking, rafting, skydiving, parasailing, and meet tons of new people from all over the world than spend my time with my eye glued to a camera lense. I'd rather hear a variety of accents rush over me while lying on the beach in some exotic country than listen to Rhianna and Lil' Wayne.
Most of it is culture, and I guess French has rubbed off on me too much. I was understanding of sororities before, but why associate with a bunch of girls when you might not even like the majority of them? They act all peppy and friendly when in reality they talk trash about eachother behind backs. What is the point of that when instead you can have a close circle of friends who really value you and would never put you down?
When I'm older I want to live in some remote place, like Hawaii or the south of France removed from such a culture. Somewhere isolated and independent, where I can live near people like the people I met in Lille. That is not to say that everyone in Lille was the same. On the contrary, they were all so incredibly different but still made me feel so good all the time.
I shouldn't rant about this now...but it is Christmas, and everyone should be with people they love. In a superficial world, it is difficult to find people who act how they feel and don't put on a false facade. Be yourself, and no one will get hurt.
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